On everything being in place before I have a child
Recently, I wrote down some thoughts on several misconceptions that I had earlier in my life and some patterns of thought that I internalised and questioned only later in life. For example, I used to think that being busy was something to strive for. These days, in my mid-thirties, I am passionate about keeping my calendar as empty as possible, thus freeing space for (spiritual) growth and everything that is genuinely important. Interestingly, what is genuinely important (to me) doesn't need to be in my calendar: these things are my life itself, or they intertwine with it very deeply. On my academic journey, I've met many fellow humans, especially managers, who always seem to have their calendars full. We could spend a long time going through the pages of their calendars trying to find half an hour for a meeting. This mode of relating with life, time and priorities does not inspire me at all.
After I wrote down my thoughts, I went for a long walk with my partner. We were discussing what each one of us left behind. Very often, when humans talk about (extreme) minimalism, the focus is on material things. Yet, patterns of thought that don't nurture are just as bad as material excess that burdens in various ways.
He mentioned that one pattern of thought that he left behind was assuming that everything needs to be in place before we have a child. For many years, I had the same thought residing in my mind. And then I said goodbye to it.
Before I say more, it feels important to note that to have a child is a very personal decision.
My partner was married before, and he has a child from a previous relationship. I will not go into more details out of deep respect towards the privacy of these fellow humans. I will only say that everything seemed to be in place when they decided to have a child. They went their separate paths when the child was still very young.
Our situation was very different. When we became a couple, my partner didn't want to have more children. I wasn't sure. My life had been rich and full without a child, and I always thought that if I have a child, it must be with a person I would want to stay with for the rest of my life. Earlier in my life, I also thought that everything had to be in place before I consider having children: a permanent, stable, well-paying job, a house, savings, a permanent residence permit, a huge support network, and so on. I wanted to give to my child everything my own family of origin gave to me and my brother. And so much more: more space to talk about emotions, to relax, to step into their authenticity. I thought that pregnancy and having a child were incredibly expensive. I thought I had to have maternity clothes, a stroller, a nursery.
I moved countries to start a life together with my partner. This meant saying goodbye to a well-paying job, to living on a beautiful island. It meant using my savings, stepping into the unknown. I had a temporary residence permit and thus temporary access to the free healthcare system. We live in a rented apartment with no extra room for our child. We have no support network.
And yet, when I was contemplating having a child, I felt so much calmness in both my mind and my body. There was no fear, no sense of not being enough, of deficiency. Despite not having any of the things that I thought I needed, I felt that I had everything that I really needed. I had a life's philosophy, strength to set boundaries. I knew what was important, to me, and what wasn't. After observing my own life closely, since I stepped on the path of sustainable minimalist living around 2010, I realised that I didn't need many possessions. I didn't need maternity clothes, a nursery, a stroller. I'm approaching the third trimester, and I haven't bought anything pregnancy or baby related. I was given a few items, but after carefully evaluating each one of them and reflecting on whether I genuinely wanted to have them in my space, I decided to give away some of them (via our local byttestation).
In the picture above are a couple of woollen baby blankets. My stepmother-in-law gave them to me. They've been in the family for many years. So far, I've been using them to elevate my pillow, and they've been working well for this purpose.