Earlier today, my partner and I were talking about how I've been feeling about preparing for birth and giving birth itself. "You don't seem stressed about it at all", he said. Relaxed is the word I would use to describe how I'm feeling about giving birth. Perhaps I will feel very different in the coming months (and that's ok). The first trimester was an incredibly difficult time for me, as I was living with hyperemesis gravidarum. The second trimester, especially after week 16, has been so much better than the first, that I've been diving into all the emotions that I so desperately wanted to feel in the first trimester. Joy, gratitude, self-transcendence. It's not to say that the second trimester has been easy. I've been living with an unpleasant back ache, pain in my legs, random reactions manifesting on my skin. I've been struggling to eat more than very small portions, to tie my own shoe laces, to walk up the stairs (we live in a top floor apartment, and we don't have a lift in our apartment block). Getting up from my floor bed has not been as easy as it used to be either.
Fellow humans in my social circle have been observing my (lack of) preparation for welcoming the baby into this world with interest. To be clear, I am preparing for giving birth, but my preparation has so far been mainly spiritual. I say mainly because I attend appointments with healthcare professionals. I've done everything I could to minimise stress in my life, to slow down. Even before I became pregnant, I decided that I would not be buying items for the baby until right before or even after he is born. I understand that this is not the most common approach in the society where I live (Denmark), but to me it's been important to follow my own path and dwell in my authenticity. I didn't want to do things differently out of fear of judgement. My stepmother-in-law gave me several items (blankets, cloth diapers and cotton cloths) that have been in the family for generations, and I welcomed them with gratitude. Apart from that, I didn't buy anything for the baby or anything pregnancy-related for myself, apart from the medicine I was taking mainly in the first trimester.
I feel that approaching this wonderful chapter of my life this way, the way that feels most authentic to me, contributes so greatly to the feeling of calmness in relation to giving birth. I don't have a list of what I need to buy for the baby, what I need to have in place before he arrives. I don't spend any time on comparing hundreds of items in the same category to find the best one.
My partner and I were talking about nesting. Perhaps this instinct will manifest in me in the coming months. But so far, I haven't felt any desire to change anything in or about my environment, to invite new items into my space. I want my home to be a calm, safe, empty, and cosy space, and this is what it is. There are very few items in my home. I've written a lot about it in this autoethnography.
The very first clothing item for the baby was in fact bought by my partner some days ago. We've been talking a bit about our plans for the baby's extremely minimalist wardrobe, and we decided that he will wear only basics, just like I do. My partner bought a small bodysuit for the baby. It's white, the colour of my partner's t-shirts that he wears every day and my basic tops (in the picture above). If I were single, I would wait until much later to invite baby clothes into my life. Having said that, I believe the bodysuit, made from organic cotton, is simple and beautiful, and my partner has a right to choose and buy (new or second-hand) something for his son, too. It's a humbling experience, to practise extreme minimalism and to have in my wardrobe (the baby and I will share the shelves, as I have very few clothing items) an item that will not be used for many months.