Clarity
At times, there are relatively peaceful chapters in one's life when it feels right to take time, grow and contemplate one's values and practices. At other times, there is a need to make a huge decision, fast, in stressful circumstances and within powerful hierarchies and systems that are not on your side. Recently, the Finnish university I work for asked me to choose between my partner who is based in Denmark and my job. Retaining the job means seeing my partner only during holidays and via technology. It also comes with financial pressures as we would be paying for our Danish home and my rent in Finland. Choosing love means ending my employment here and stepping into the unknown. Forcing me to choose does not feel fair or reasonable, especially considering that I study Danish businesses as well as Swedish and Finnish ones and do not need to be on-site.
In my experience, arguing for fairness takes much time and doesn't result in much, as essentially one is trying to reason and negotiate from a less powerful position in a hostile space. The price one pays in psychological wellbeing is immense. When I was doing my PhD, my supervisor plagiarised my work and even left the evidence of plagiarism since he did not think that I would confront him or take it further. The process of removing him from my supervision was incredibly painful, slow, and I was lucky that some fellow humans at the university supported me, then a PhD student, and were willing to investigate and look at the evidence. This process postponed my graduation for a year and I experienced severe mental health consequences. The individual was not fired but at least my work remained mine.
Sometimes I feel it is better to walk away. In the current situation, the choice is not really a choice. I am smiling as I'm writing these words. It took less than a second for me to decide. Part of the mode of being I contemplate in this autoethnography is developing a strong, beautiful set of values. Love is of course a value. I realised a while ago that love towards one fellow human is not necessarily the meaning of life. My first love is the cosmos. But then love crystallises more concretely when I experience it towards someone else. I've always found it easy to love the cosmos or nature. Being with another person has its ups and downs, and there might be things you don't love about them. But they are also a child of nature, and loving someone is humbling and contributes to growth. Employers are interchangeable, just like employees are to them. At times, it is possible to find beautiful spaces in academia though too. But the warmth one might feel towards one's workplace is nothing in comparison to love towards one's partner, or the self.
Yes, there are severe financial implications of my decision. But I have zero doubt about my values, and the experience of clarity is very strong in this situation.
"This morning I woke up super early and was thinking about the situation, you and us. You know, I feel so blessed to be together with someone with such courage and clear, beautiful values. I can't wait to spend the rest of my life in your company."