Dissociation 2 (when mind takes over)
These days I'm thinking a lot about how periods of dissociation affect the unfolding of my everyday practice of sustainability and how this practice helps. During these times it is somewhat easy to write academic texts. Emotions and feelings are suppressed so much that I feel like a non-human being (equipment of some kind) with basic functions. Time flies: I could start work in the morning and then only become conscious of my actions again much later in the afternoon. It's not the same as being in the flow state, which is, in my experience, a positive or even euphoric state of oneness with a task. If I read again the texts I wrote, I don't feel like they are mine. I try to work more from home, though it may not be a good idea, but I do it to avoid my fellow humans. I don't hide from them what I'm going through, and generally they are supportive and understanding. But I don't think that at such times I can be fully present there for them, my presence doesn't feel authentic at all. It doesn't feel like anything.
I try to avoid mirrors (see my previous entry) and connect rather with my Self (as in deep ecology, the Self that transcends the narrow self and embraces the world/cosmos). I walk in the rain to remind my body of different sensations and hold the stone I brought from Sweden for a long time.
Usually, in my case, these episodes last a few days or some weeks, at times months. In the first few days the experience of dissociation seems most severe. Or perhaps it is the same throughout, but the mind and body get used to it and find a way to function under these conditions. Over time, this experience brings feelings of indifference and detachment. It is terrifying because you don't feel whole, don't feel like yourself and are terrified to never regain feelings and emotions, to do something with severe consequences such as not notice a car when crossing a road. It is also terrifying because after such episodes emotions and feelings can return like a wave.
I often mention extreme minimalism as a mode of being that is good from an ecological and spiritual perspective. Extreme minimalist practices go against overconsumption and are, in my view, conducive to spiritual growth. In my experience, such practices are also helpful during challenging periods of dissociation. These practices, analysing and perfecting them, are not the first thing on my mind during these times. One thing that is on my mind is sustaining myself as a biological body, such as consuming food while I feel no hunger at all. Another thing is doing my normal tasks at work. I try to heal via going for walks in safe and beautiful areas, spending time with nature. I try to avoid doing anything extreme in an attempt to force myself out of this state, as I try to trust my mind to do it when it's ready. I try to avoid unsafe areas such as tall bridges and cliffs. Having very few objects around is calming and makes it easy for me to navigate my space and care for it. As I've developed sustainable practices during the past 10 years, such as using natural products, eating simple, minimally processed, preferably local food, going for walks every day, I can rely on these routines and habits.