Not knowing
Stability in life is something I've almost never felt. My stepdad was in the army, so we moved a lot. Then I moved intentionally to England, then to Sweden, to Finland, and finally (?) to Denmark. The only things that provided a sense of stability to me have been deep trust, comfort and safety in the universe, and a worldview that is very much related to this attitude, to which love and care towards the self, human and non-human others, and nature are central. My practices arising from this worldview have been more or less settled in the past 10+ years.
These days I am learning to feel comfortable with not knowing how life will unfold. It's never possible to know fully, but I am in a situation where I'm not sure what will happen next month.
Many things are sources of this severe instability.
Harassment from the manager is something I refuse to tolerate. I've been trying to address it for a while, and more recently I contacted harassment contact persons at my university, so they are aware of the situation. Many people are aware but nothing has changed so far. Being at Aalborg university with its peaceful atmosphere made me realise that I need to step out of my university to honour my mental health. Dealing with this situation in the past weeks made me realise how fragile the human psyche and mental health are.
My relationship with the person I love is not unfolding the way we thought it would. We've known each other for 3 years and were in a long-distance relationship for 3.5 months. We lived separate lives and kept in touch via technology. Moving in together brought to the surface multiple issues. Before stepping into this space of living together, I thought that perhaps my extreme minimalism could become an issue. When my partner visited me in Finland, he respected my lifestyle but didn't feel comfortable in my furniture-free space. When we started living together, we realised that it was easy to agree on what our home would look like, on the practices and principles of running our household. The issues relate to the fact that my partner has a young child from his previous relationship and shares childcare responsibilities with his ex partner. I've never met his child and we will not be spending time together for many months to come. I don't have children, and my partner doesn't want any more children. Due to me relocating often and due to academic jobs being so precarious, I've not had time to even consider having children. And now it looks like it's not even an option if I want to be with the person I am with. To me it feels that my partner lives two lives, and one of them I don't know much about. I don't think there is a perfect way to navigate this difficult situation.
I am waiting to receive a Danish residence permit. It should take a month or so, and the permit I've applied for is for a year and some months. As a British citizen, without this permit I can only stay in Denmark for 3 months. These migration issues are a source of instability. It feels unsettling to have a home in a country where one doesn't have residence rights yet.
Having multiple languages in my mind is disorientating. In terms of language, I immediately felt more comfortable in Denmark after living in Finland. Swedish is an official language in Finland, but I believe that Swedish is the first language for only around 5% of population in Finland. While much information is available in Swedish, Swedish is still a marginal language. For example, doctors write notes in Finnish, information from the housing company was in Finnish, emails from many students are in Finnish. Since I was in an academic environment (which is international) and I knew that Finland would not become my home, I never learned Finnish. I relied on English and Swedish. I understand some Danish but I can't speak it. It's a beautiful language and part of me wants to learn it but considering how my relationship is unfolding, I am not yet sure that I will stay in Denmark.
Writing my book has been both therapeutic and chaotic. It is therapeutic because all the knowledge I have about a topic, all the thoughts, ideas, and reflections are crystallising in one place. It is something I've been wanting to do for a long time, and finally it is happening. And yet, it is hard to write considering all the other things that are unfolding at the same time.
My mind is trying to handle simple things such as cooking and cleaning my home, being in Denmark in the most ecological way possible. At the same time, my mind is trying to handle abstract philosophical concepts. I am trying to be present in every moment, feel the rain on my skin and enjoy a kanelbulle by the water. And I am trying to imagine what may unfold in the future.