172

 Writing autoethnography right now

I wanted to say a few words about writing autoethnography while a significant shift in my life is unfolding. It's not easy but it also feels important and valuable, as one of my intentions is to capture nuances, challenges and everyday life in general in their raw form. 

I was planning to be in Denmark for my research, but at the same time my partner is Danish, and my research coincides with us creating a home together. This once again highlights the plurality of roles we play as human beings in society. I am a researcher but also a partner to another human being. 

At times I want to write my autoethnographic notes, and at the same time I want to be present as my dwelling in Denmark begins. Writing as things happen takes something away from magical moments. I try to be present and find time for writing. 

I don't take breaks from writing my autoethnography, and when I lived by myself it wasn't an issue. Now when I am with another person, I have to navigate writing differently. 

Relocating to Denmark was supposed to be beautiful (so I hoped) but it came together with harassment from my manager and challenges that come with my partner trying to balance his childcare responsibilities and our relationship. I write in such a way as to not reveal the identity of the manager (as researchers, we try to protect identity or ask for consent to reveal it). From a research ethics perspective it makes sense. From a justice perspective it doesn't. Unfortunately, I learned about multiple issues many fellow humans at work are having with that manager after I joined my current university. It would have been better if I knew about these severe issues beforehand. For example, if I learned in advance that the manager asked a PhD student of hers to find information about my family, I would not have agreed to work "with" her. The word "with" feels inappropriate in this context, since we haven't worked together. She is simply my line manager. 

My autoethnographic notes seem messy and fragmented which reflects my current state of mind. It is normal for autoethnography to be messy and fragmented, but at the same time, since I made my autoethnographic data public, I also want it to make sense to my fellow humans. Perhaps it is challenging for my readers to make sense of everything that is unfolding, as it doesn't fully make sense to me. 

At times I find it hard to find the right words for what I am feeling. My feelings are conflicted, and my practices feel unsettled. The only thing that feels stable is my worldview. The values and principles I live by, such as love, gentleness, care for the self, human and non-human others, and nature. 

171

 First steps in Copenhagen

So much is unfolding right now and so many thoughts are running through my mind. It's been a difficult year in general, but this time feels the most challenging so far. Being in Denmark is freeing but also overwhelming. My partner and I moved in together just now and are currently in the process of creating our home. My university have done nothing to address my manager's harassment directed at me, and I'm not sure they will do anything about it. The manager feels comfortable with exercising her toxic authority over me, so she doesn't seem to be afraid of any actions against her from the university's side. I've seen such situations before (though this one is rather extreme!), and it's puzzling how little is usually done to address harassment. 

I've practised extreme minimalism for many years, and have lived without furniture in the past half a year. But moving in together with another person means that the space reflects the needs of both. I feel fortunate that both my partner and I like minimalism and seek ecological options for our home. 

Figuring out things like how and where to buy train tickets, how to get to various places adds to the already overwhelming situation.

Getting used to a different climate will take a bit of time. In the past two years I've lived in northern Sweden and southern Finland. Copenhagen feels very warm in comparison, and the past few days felt like summer, while Helsinki already felt autumnal. Something I notice around me are roses. So many of them are blooming these days in Copenhagen, and they remind me of the UK where I used to live. 

I'm finding rest and joy in very simple activities such as cooking, walking and doing a jigsaw puzzle together with my partner. 

Much of our life is currently floor-based, though we decided to have some pieces of furniture in our home. 

We decided to get as few pieces of furniture as possible though. For hanging and drying our clothes we will have a very simple cloth rack instead of a wardrobe. For now, we hang our clothes to dry creatively around our apartment.