Limbo
Earlier today I was going through the proof of my article based on this autoethnography. The article was written when I still lived in northern Sweden and accepted in August 2022. It captured my practices of that chapter of my life. In that article I emphasised that being of deep transformations is a journey, but since I left northern Sweden, my understanding of this journey-like character of this mode of being deepened a lot. My life in northern Sweden was very peaceful, and many of my practices and principles crystallised into routines and a particular mode of being. The city where I lived is rather small. I had my favourite local and small businesses I would buy from and my favourite places I would visit often. To some degree, my existence was solitary (though of course also with others, especially non-humans), and the state of my mind healthy. In northern Sweden it is easy to be present with nature and her powers. During the long, cold and dark winter I could write much, and during the summer it was magical to see beautiful light and pink sky at 1 am. Being with northern lights was a spiritual experience for me.
Leaving northern Sweden felt like leaving a comfortable and cosy cocoon. I stepped into the realm of a large city, though I found a place on an island where I felt good and somewhat close to nature, especially to the sea. After relocating, I experienced many health issues. I feel comfortable here in Finland, but I also felt that this would not be the final place where I live and is not the place where I would be rooted. Partly this is because of my short-term contract, partly because of the language, and partly because of my loved one who is not based in Finland. I started sketching another autoethnographic article when the feeling of ephemerality manifested very strongly.
I began to notice how various challenges take over one's mind and it becomes more difficult to think about sustainability. If I didn't have my existing ecological routines and principles, I doubt I would be able to think about them deeply at this moment. Something that has always been on my mind is the obvious aspect of my being where I don't live ecologically: I don't have a garden where I could grow my own food. Buying land or a house with a garden, establishing a garden, growing one's own food takes a lot of time. When an academic contract is only a 2-year one, it is difficult to think about being rooted and make long-term decisions. It is difficult to plan something or commit to something when you don't know where you are going to live.