Dissociation
As someone living with aphantasia, I don't have many (or good quality) autobiographical memories. Like other memories, they are recorded as bullet points or stories, in words. There are no images or short films that would make my autobiographical memories rich and full.
My memories of the periods of dissociation are - though there are no images associated with them either - rather detailed. This is probably because such periods feel surreal and are rare but important. Perhaps everyone's experiences of dissociation, if this is a mechanism one's mind uses in or after extremely stressful events, are different. I experience dissociation as a sudden and extreme reduction in emotions (or feelings), an inability to experience the world properly, and an inability to recognise myself in a mirror. Reduction in emotions is manifested in, for instance, feeling deeply about someone one day and the following day seeing that human being as a stranger, not feeling any deeper towards them than any other fellow human. It can also be manifested in not feeling appropriate emotions such as fear. During periods of dissociation I would go for long walks in the areas that I would normally see as unsafe. During these periods I don't experience hunger, and even the feeling of thirst is faint. A lack of ability to experience properly manifests, for instance, in touching extremely cold water, ice, or snow, and not feeling cold. If someone asked, I would be able to tell that those things are "cold" but I wouldn't feel/experience it myself or would not be fully aware of it. Not being able to recognise oneself in a mirror is unsettling. I experience it as complete emotional disconnection from myself rather than not knowing that it is indeed me. Everyday life turns into somewhat mechanistic managing of oneself as a biological being (a body).
I believe that dissociation is a defence mechanism of one's psyche. At times, emotional stress becomes so unbearable that the only solution the mind has is to unplug from emotions that feel all-consuming and suffocating. It allows me to think more rationally and reclaim the sense of self. Usually there are activities or things that I can turn to because they feel inherently safe, good and valuable, such as my work and nature.
On some occasions I spoke to psychologists about periods of dissociation. They would recommend various grounding techniques and somatic exercises. Intuitively, I feel drawn to nature for healing. Experiencing nature's textures, flavours, scents, and sounds is powerful. At the same time, philosophically I feel most comfortable in the realm of existentialism. It helps me acknowledge various emotions, feelings and experiences as parts of human experience of life and parts of human condition, including those emotions etc. that are seen as less desirable (such as sorrow, angst, doubt, insecurity) and spend time with them. In the periods of dissociation it is easier to be with these emotions, feelings and experiences, and even honour them, rather than be consumed by them. In my experience, rarely are such emotions and feelings without a reason, usually they are natural responses to unsafe situations.
At these times I am reminded of the importance to develop a healthy relationship with nature and the cosmos at large. Without seeing nature as a safe space, I would find it much more difficult to feel whole again.