Struggles no one is seeing when they are reading your book
I've been contemplating writing this entry for a while. I've made all my autoethnographic data public because I strongly believe in transparency of research. But still some aspects of being feel extremely private. Then I decided to write it anyway. Oftentimes, I write about either the material aspects of being or how I relate with nature/cosmos. The material aspects of being relate with my desire to explore living with a lot less than what is the norm in our society. I try to live sustainably via experimenting with zero-waste, minimalism and extreme minimalism, no flying, and so on. All these practices, I believe, arise from a different mode of relating with nature/cosmos, feeling oneness with it and love towards it.
More recently I wrote about other aspects of being, such as experiencing harassment from a manager. My mental health suffered a lot, and the university still haven't resolved this situation. I was also thinking about other struggles. About emotions, feelings, and even physical pain. I was contemplating these things together with the process of writing my book and how they affect this process. When one is reading a book, they probably don't know what the author was going through at the time of writing.
In my book I mention my relationship a few times. Because I write in a place-based manner, to me it was important to highlight my own connection with the place, despite the book's main subject being business. In this case the place is Denmark. Apart from job insecurity accompanying my writing (caused by the manager's harassment), my relationship is not entirely happy. My relationship is something that connects me and Denmark, apart from my interest in the Nordic context.
My partner and I have been together for 4 months. We were in a long-distance relationship for the majority of that time, and only recently moved in together. In some domains, our life together is beautiful. We love each other. Our home is beginning to look cosy. We also work together, and have co-authored several works, including a book about degrowth transformations.
And yet there is another side to our relationship that makes me doubt that it is sustainable. My partner has a child from his previous relationship. He shares his childcare responsibilities with his ex-partner somewhat equally, which feels fair and reasonable. Mondays, Wednesdays, Saturdays and every other Friday are "his" days when he takes care of his child. Tuesdays, Thursdays, Sundays, and the other Fridays are "our" days when his ex-partner takes care of the child. Because both of us work, we have only Tuesday and Thursday evenings, sometimes Friday evenings and Sundays. At times we can work from home, so we spend a bit more time together. Before we moved in together, I thought this arrangement would work for me, but it does not. Most of the time our relationship feels abstract to me: I know that we have it but we spend very little time together. I don't have children, and neither does my partner want to have children with me. This relationship feels like a half-relationship. I haven't met the child. My partner and I decided that it's best to wait. I tend to agree, as I also would not want to walk into the child's life while I am having doubts about being in a relationship with the child's parent.
It's also not been a goal in my life to have children. I am anxious about the state of the world, about ecological degradation. I don't feel I've settled yet, as I just recently relocated to yet another country after living in three countries in the past few years. I don't feel that I have a good support network. If I had a child, I would feel like I'm on my own. I wouldn't know which language to speak to a child as there is no language I speak perfectly. My own childhood was not very happy. We had everything and lived in a very beautiful area for many years, but there was no love and understanding. At times I think I would be a good mother. But I personally wouldn't want to be a single mother.
I came to terms with the possibility that I will never have children in my life. I've focused on other things such as love towards nature, personal growth, empowering fellow humans (e.g., my students), exploring something I feel passionate about as a researcher. I love children as my fellow humans. But considering my own path, I am not sure about being a stepmother or playing a significant role in another child's life. I feel bad about not being able to feel what my partner is feeling when he tells me about his own child. I don't know if these experiences are common. I suppose for every parent their own child is magical and special, the most beautiful, the most talented being. While for others they are just a fellow human being. Oftentimes, my partner tells me about his child and the child's achievements. I feel happiness for my partner but not much more than that. I don't know what I am supposed to feel.
When I think about these topics, it feels like a taboo subject. This is not something I hear people in my social circle discuss often. I have considered both staying and leaving this relationship. Each of these options has its own positive aspects and downsides. If I stay, I have to accept a half-relationship while I feel that I deserve and need more than that. If I leave, I will not have to tolerate a setting that makes me uncomfortable but also I will not be with the person I love. Some days I want to stay, other days I want to leave.
These thoughts occupy my mind rather often, and I think about this challenging personal situation while I'm writing my book. None of it is explicitly discussed in the book, but I can't help but think that it somehow affects my writing, being in, and my perception of, the world. I think a lot about ephemerality, impermanence, people's journeys.
This situation is not something I can get advice about. Every human being is unique. For some the same situation would not be as unpleasant as it is for me. Others would not even consider being in a relationship with a person who has a child with someone else. I don't know what is the right thing to do in this situation. I asked my partner if it is a solution to give this relationship a trial period to see if it works or not. We agreed to see how it goes.