The day after ending my engagement
Yesterday I ended my engagement. I wrote about this in my previous entry. To summarise, my ex fiancé proposed to me on Valentine's day. I said yes immediately without contemplating. We've been colleagues since 2020 and in a relationship since May 2023. Since Autumn 2023 we've been living together. I believe that we loved each other. But there were unaddressed issues such as poor communication, building our relationship around his existing childcare commitments, and our stance on having children. Something that I learned from ending my engagement is that major issues need to be solved before one proposes. Serious issues do not magically disappear when humans are engaged. I felt that they even became amplified.
I experienced a mix of emotions. Stability is something that I've been wanting to have in my life but couldn't have because academic jobs are precarious. In the past few years, I have lived in 4 countries. It's been a wonderful experience and practising extreme minimalism made it easy to move. But I was hoping to at least have stability in my relationship. Perhaps it is my fault that I was seeking it within a framework where my partner has a small child from his previous relationship. Ending my engagement made our relationship even more unstable. Or it simply brought to the surface existing issues. I felt sorrow about it. I felt gratitude to my family and friends who were there for me. I live far from them but we could still talk. I felt grief. I was grieving a dream that I had, to have a family. I also felt hope.
I couldn't fall asleep for a while. At some moments I was thinking that I would not be able to sleep at all. But then I fell asleep and woke up with the sun. For 15 years or so I have lived without curtains. I've been doing this to connect with nature and her rhythms. Perhaps the most challenging times were when I lived in northern Sweden. There, in summer the sun rises extremely early and sets very late. At times it feels like it doesn't set at all, but there is no midnight sun in the area where I lived. Living without curtains means that I naturally wake up early in spring and summer. In winter I sleep more, but that's ok.
As I was waking up, I was looking through the window. The sun was rising, and I was thinking that my challenges paled in comparison with the beauty of nature, of the sun. I felt intense awe. The universe was unfolding despite what was unfolding in my life. My ex fiancé was not there, so I decided to have my morning coffee together with the sun.