Being a stepmother and living sustainably
There is no perfect way of living sustainably. There is a variety of ways and constellations of practices. I practise a lifestyle that is a constellation of voluntary simplicity, slow living, zero-waste, and extreme minimalism. I like this word, constellation. I emphasise this constellation in my autoethnographic work because it's possible to practise zero-waste and still fly a lot and to far-away destinations, or to live with 50 personal possessions and overwork, or to live a slow life with a large number of possessions. I try to live in a way that is materially light and slow, simple, intentionally local, and minimises waste. In some ways, I compromise because since the Autumn of 2023 I have lived together with my partner. Even though we share a desire to live more sustainably (both of us are researchers in the field of sustainability), and he doesn't mind minimalism, we live with many more objects than I used to live with when I was single.
Since I began doing my autoethnography more formally, I've been transparent about my practices and the challenges I face. For the reason of transparency, that I value so much in research, I am maintaining this autoethnographic page which contains all my autoethnographic notes. They serve as my data that I then analyse for my autoethnographic articles. There are some aspects of living more sustainably that I find difficult to write about. My role of being a stepmother and its relation to sustainable living are some of those aspects.
My partner has a child from his previous relationship. She is 4. I'm involved in her life in very limited ways. Over time, we decided that it is the best approach for all of us. So even though I generally I refer to myself as her stepmother, this term is perhaps not accurate. I don't play a parental role, but I am an adult in her life who cares about her wellbeing and is there for her. Even though my partner sees her often, she stays with both of us only every second weekend, and usually only Friday and Saturday, as my partner and his daughter visit a cottage that he owns with his previous partner. I will not focus on the challenges this situation presents for us a couple, but focus on sustainability aspects of it.
Children are of course not to blame for the decisions of the their parents, other adults and the way society that pre-exists them operates. They did not choose capitalism and its structures. In fact, they are some of the least agentic fellow humans in society. I was born in 1989 and at that time the world was and felt different. As a small child, I didn't have a laptop, a smartphone and social media accounts. There were plenty of toys that children these days have, such as Barbie dolls and Lego. But as I lived in a remote, rural area (due to my stepfather's job), I enjoyed being with non-humans and nature much more than with human-made plastic creatures. This little girl is growing up in a city, in an affluent municipality, surrounded my fellow children with plenty of possessions and clothes, by adults who shower her with endless plastic objects, shops, technology providing easily accessible entertainment. As an adult, I find it overwhelming, disorientating and anxiety-provoking. I don't know how the psyche of a young human being handles all this. In some ways, I believe, her parents are trying to implement more pro-environmental practices in her upbringing. For example, they avoid red meat and they accept clothes from their family members who have older children. Yet, I do not have a say in how this young fellow human grows up and what practices are implemented. I feel powerless and at times sad about it.
Recently, the little girl came to visit us with a Barbie doll. I had them when I was her age, too. I didn't like them because I lived with chickens, a dog and a cat whose company I enjoyed so much more. And while these dolls have improved over time (there are more diverse options these days), I still believe it shapes girls' perception about how a female body should look. I also believe that it normalises overconsumption of clothes. I have not seen a Barbie doll wearing simple, repaired clothes. Whenever I question this, parents say to me that children love bright colours. Do they? Perhaps so. I've loved beige and other calming colours since I was very young, while my brother liked brighter colours.
The girl has an enormous amount of clothes, probably enough to clothe several children. So many of those items are made from polyester and other synthetic materials and come from fast fashion corporations. It is very interesting (and heartbreaking) to observe how girls are indoctrinated into owning a lot of clothes and wearing a different outfit every day, even several times a day.
She is not involved in normal, everyday activities that can be so playful and fun. When I was her age, I was so excited to take part in cooking, for example. In our society currently, it feels as if there is an assumption that children must always play and be entertained. One form of entertainment follows another one immediately. A never ending what's next. It is constant doing and constant consuming (goods and services including various media content). She does and consumes much more in her day than I do as an adult. In post-growth scholarly work, we talk about slowness and the need to do less, do simple activities (such as walking) and be more. Yet, this is not how this fellow human and her fellow children are brought up. It feels as if her childhood sets the pace for a life of performance with plenty of extracurricular activities and very little time for inner dialogues and contemplation.
I was curious to discover that these days children spend most of their time with their parents rather than playing with fellow children. It was not so when I was very young. I believe that spending time with fellow humans of my own age was important for learning how to play together, how to solve conflicts, and set boundaries, which are such crucial skills to have.
Buying objects for children is how love seems to be expressed and is a source of quick and easy joy. I think it has serious implications for the future as simply buying something replaces necessary activities such as inner work or changing something in one's life. Buying is the answer to everything. Let's just buy it.
"The child wants something" as a phrase is meant to shame someone for questioning the nature of these wants. Are they the child's wants or the wants of adults? Why does this want exist, where does it come from?
I feel that children are forced or encouraged to make decisions where they should not be making them and prevented from taking part where they perhaps should be taking part. I think my mother and stepfather navigated this challenge successfully when I was very young. I always took part in preparing food (so as an adult I feel comfortable with it) and growing food. But I was never asked to choose in which home to sleep and what to buy in a store that sells thousands of items. I found it so interesting to see a tiny kitchen and tiny plastic vegetables in a shop. It's a children's toy. Why not allows children to play with real food while we cook? It can be done in safe ways.
Recently, the little girl asked my partner for a little sister with whom she can play. At times, we talk about having a child together. There are several reasons why we keep postponing this conversation. The style of parenting my partner and his previous partner chose feels intense and overwhelming. There is so much constant doing that it leaves very little energy for another child. I believe our parenting styles would clash, as I would want to de-emphasise doing, entertaining, buying, consuming, and emphasise slowness, simplicity and other principles I live by. Having a child whose life is full of material possessions and services, and ensuring that this will always be the case, is expensive which leaves fewer financial resources for another child. My partner said that if we have a child, it would be mainly on me, and I'm not sure if I would want to be a single mother in a partnership.