Non-humans and thinking of having a baby
Recently, we went for another long walk around Copenhagen, the city where we live. We go for these walks often to connect with the city and non-human beings (sea, animals, trees), with each other, to discover new places and to move our bodies. The first time I was in Copenhagen many years ago, I noticed that there were many ladybirds. There seem to be fewer of them now, but one landed on my t-shirt. I don't remove them from my clothes. I let them sit on me as long as they want. Eventually they fly off. These interactions with non-humans are precious, especially in a city, and I value each one of them. Perhaps the ladybird was tired on this hot summer day. My heart was filled with empathy towards her, and I sensed trust from this magical little being.
Interacting with animals reminds me of my own embodiment, of being biological. An animal too.
I never thought I would be seriously considering having a child. For many years, I was so busy with my university degrees and then busy in precarious academic positions, oftentimes doing someone else's job outside my contract obligations, disguised as getting experience (in teaching, marking and so on). I thought that having a child would be irresponsible as I was living on my own, in different countries with short-term academic contracts and residence permits. There was never a good time. I was also worried about my sustainability practices. How would they change if I was pregnant, if I had a child? Like many fellow humans, I was (and still am), worried about ecological degradation and bringing up a human being within capitalism.
Resigning from my academic position in Finland was an act of protest against violence and harassment in academia. After I resigned from that position, I felt liberated. I moved to Denmark to continue my research here. As I could continue doing my research on my own terms, without harassment and feeling unsafe, I decided to spend as much time as possible on spiritual growth, in parallel with doing my research. During this time, I realised that I was not prepared to sacrifice my life for my academic career, and certainly not for someone else's academic career in a hierarchical system. My academic career was only part of my life, part of a constellation of things that mattered to me.
I heard so many stories from my fellow humans in academia regarding having (and not having) children. Many felt like having a child would end their academic careers. Many were worried about taking parental leave. Women especially were worried about gaps in their cv.
I came to the realisation that the perfect moment to have a child would never materialise. I would always have fears and reservations. I decided to simply let them go, as I could not resolve them on my own. Resolving these fears and reservations requires a very different system to the one we live in now. It requires a different culture, different academia. Stable jobs, less competition, more flexibility. No misogyny. No sexism.
My partner and I talked about this, and we decided to try to have a baby. I don't know how this chapter of my life will unfold, but stepping into this chapter feels right.