Celebrating and supporting my ageing process
Recently, a fellow human asked my partner and I how we felt about ageing. We sat down and talked about it (here), but I wanted to share my reflections here in my autoethnography, too. It's such an important topic. As I'm writing these words, I'm 36. My body recovers much slower than previously. I have some grey hairs and wrinkles. My skin is looser, especially on my face.
I love ageing.
I didn't grow up in an environment that celebrated ageing. My mother and grandmother would often talk about the signs of ageing they were observing in their bodies, sharing ideas on how to look younger. For my grandmother, her appearance was a source of attention and validation, and losing her youthfulness seemed to be challenging for her. Both these fellow women were buying anti-ageing products and dyeing their hair. Other fellow humans in my social circle were also worried about ageing, researching various ways to try and prevent it, spending substantial amounts on various potions.
Then my mother died in her early 40s. I was 17 at that time. She died young, and this encouraged me to think more about ageing, getting old, to develop a deeper relationship to ageing, something that my mother never experienced, as she never truly aged.
I observed that many wonderful things came into my life with age: a more holistic, stable and helpful philosophy of life, wisdom, knowing what I truly wanted in life, things that I genuinely appreciate (such as love and my family).
When I was younger, I was trying to please my mother by doing well at school. Like many fellow humans, I was brought up to be attentive to the wisdom of older persons. With age, I came to the realisation that it was not my task to please others, and that older persons could be wrong, or their ideas of, say, success, could be very different to mine. For example, a while ago, a male professor told me that to succeed in academia, I and other fellow women, needed to behave "like men". This suggestion went so completely against my own life's philosophy. I strongly believe in a caring, gentle, nurturing approach to life and fellow beings. In authenticity and intuition. I heard his advice but decided not to take it seriously. Even older persons can say things that are utter nonsense, or simply don't align with the way I want to live my life (and that's ok). Earlier in my life, I would think about someone's advice for many days, trying to examine my life and my behaviours.
There are practices that I implement to celebrate ageing. I don't use hair dyes and anti-ageing products. In fact, I avoid anti-ageing products. I boycott them, as I don't want to support any brand that advocates anti-ageing. I don't want to be shamed for undergoing natural biological processes: getting wrinkles and looser skin, grey hair. I don't want to look younger, to use creams, injections, makeup and clothing to achieve that. I do not believe that we owe youthfulness to society, to men.
Having said that, I appreciate energy and vibrancy that are usually associated with being young. I nurture vibrancy via walking as much as I can, via reading and writing. I intend to spend much time in nature with my child. Learning, unlearning, making plans for the future are all vibrant activities.
Instead of trying to fight my ageing process, I try to support my body and my soul in this process. I try to focus on inner growth and create space for wisdom, learning, and unlearning.
I pursue slow and simple living. I don't want to live in a bigger house, have a car, or more possessions. I don't want more expensive possessions or a lot of savings.
I say no to the things that are not/don't feel nurturing. I don't experience fomo (fear of missing out). I am passionate about keeping my calendar as clear as possible. Learning to say no is so important. I feel that there is so much information online about how to say no, to avoid feeling guilty. But saying no should not be a source of guilt in the first place. It's as valid as saying yes, so I believe that there is one way, simply saying the word no. I observe that in my field, academia, many PhD students struggle to say no (to something that is clearly not their task), thinking that saying yes will earn them respect from those above them in the academic hierarchy. Yet, most of the time, it leads to exploitation of humans, them fulfilling someone else's obligations, working to progress someone else's career, doing activities far beyond what is in their contracts. I did my PhD in my 20s, and I certainly said yes to things that were not my tasks. But I don't do it anymore. There are always new opportunities and possibilities. Pregnancy has made it even easier for me to say no, as I prioritise my yet unborn child and my own wellbeing. I say no to most family events these days too, as I need more time to recharge and want to spend more time only with my yet unborn baby and nature.
I sleep as long as I need to. When I was younger, I could still do a lot while sleeping very little. As I'm ageing, I can't do it anymore. I feel physically unwell. I prioritise sleeping enough.
I am excited about new signs of ageing and enjoy being on the path of being gentle towards my body that has been a wonderful home to my soul for so many years, that enabled me to grow and experience life.
Some fellow humans say that I will change my attitude towards ageing when I face problems of old age, such as illness. I was very ill when I was a child for periods of time, so I personally don't associate young age with health and getting older with illness. Having said that, I will navigate issues when they arise and will not worry about them until then.