214

 Contemplating, growing and writing

For some weeks before I resigned from the Finnish university and some weeks after that, I was interested only in simple things as I was trying to recover from what I went through. I was interested in sleeping and eating, and at times walking. Soon after I moved to Denmark I could write again. Now things are shifting, and I have enough energy to contemplate and grow. 

While I think we grow through bad experiences, for me it was only possible to analyse that after I moved and found safety. At the time when the unpleasant situation was unfolding, I felt sick on a bodily level when I got emails from the manager whose behaviour I experienced as abusive and violent. These days when I think about that situation, I can smile and be grateful to the universe that my values, words and behaviours match. When I didn't respond to a rude email from that individual, they "requested a corrective action". The language they used was ugly and violent. While it was so, it doesn't affect me any longer. In my communication I try to manifest love that I feel towards fellow beings. 

Having lived through a horrible situation myself, I believe, contributed to my writing. I'm working on my book at the moment, and my writing feels more nuanced and even more empathetic and raw. 

I was contemplating UBI (universal basic income) again and how helpful it would be to so many fellow humans in the same position that I was in. It would allow them to express non-compliance with violence and simply walk away (while making a statement and trying, before they leave, to transform structures). It would also give them some space to think and grow. 

Some beautiful things are unfolding. The old is being shed and the new opportunities arise. I will not have access to my Finnish university account anymore, but today I received an email saying that my Roskilde University account has been created. 

213

 Food market

Yesterday we went for a long walk and on the way decided to pick up some vegetables at a food market here in Copenhagen. Some of them came from Denmark, but many of them didn't. There were cranberries from the US, tomatoes from France and Spain, radishes from Germany. There were papayas and dragon fruits. Many fruits and vegetables were unpackaged though. It felt odd to be there. It was possible to incorporate many sustainability practices, such as buying unpackaged seasonal Danish root vegetables. It was also possible to buy zero-waste tropical fruits. The food market was rather expensive. Buying there felt more like a gift to oneself than something to practise regularly. Earlier in the autumn we picked up some vegetables from a local farmers' market. I liked that experience more but they unfortunately didn't accept cards.

At the food market we picked up some fresh tulips. It wasn't clear where they came from. I buy and receive fresh flowers very rarely, though I do prefer them as a gift instead of more permanent items. Something that makes me feel uncomfortable about welcoming flowers into my space is the fact that they are not a need. In summer I often bring home some local flowers that simply grow outside (such as yarrow), if they grow in abundance. Right now there is not much to pick, especially since I relocated to Copenhagen. Having fresh flowers at home in the Nordics in autumn-winter feels magical. 

These fresh flowers make me think about imperfection of my ecological path yet again. Having something that is clearly not a need but trying to navigate this in a more ecological manner (e.g. use a repurposed glass jar for the flowers) feels conflicted. 

When we were writing our mostly theoretical book, it was easy to separate needs from wants. In reality, things are so much more complex, especially if we consider social rituals such as gift-giving. 

212

Jordärtskockor

These days I contemplate seasonal food a lot. In Danish supermarkets it is easy to find organic food. At times, they make it obvious that a particular product comes from Denmark too. But many organic foods are not local. 

I try to eat seasonal food when I can. These days it is possible to buy beautiful Danish Jerusalem artichokes. They are delicious, and I use them instead of potatoes and cook them in a similar way. I also decided to add them to pasta dishes to minimise the use of vegetables that come from far away. I never follow recipes and instead rely on the basic principles of cooking that I learned on my path, on my intuition and signals from my body concerning what it might need.  

211

 Changes

I've been feeling inspired to write again. For me, writing and sharing the learnings I acquired on my personal and professional path is an essential part of my being in the world. For some months I've been focusing internally, on my mental health and healing. Though resigning from the Finnish university was a political act, it still caused disruptions in my life. It took much energy and financial resources to counter these disruptions at least in some way. 

It is hard to serve nature, fellow humans and non-humans from a place of instability, insecurity and anxiety. Though love and care for nature and fellow beings provide a sense of stability, at least in terms of knowing what I live for, there are practical issues such as having a home and a residence permit.

The other day I got a Danish yellow health card (sundhedskort) which felt to me like a tangible evidence that I am finally in the Danish system. I had mixed feeling about being in Denmark when I relocated here from Finland, but now I am allowing myself to feel at home in this country. 

I got an extension for my book manuscript from my publisher as I decided to allow myself to write more slowly and spend more time with the businesses I research.

With my co-authors we have been writing about economics of deep transformations, and it feels good to crystallise some new thoughts in an essay.

I have received an invitation from the Department of Service Studies at Lund University to become a visiting researcher with them for 3 months. This feels like a wonderful unfolding. One of the benefits, for me, of being here in Copenhagen is being close to Sweden. I don't any longer have a residence permit for Sweden, but I feel comfortable in that country and with its language. I lived there for a year and 4 months. 

I miss some of my former colleagues at the Finnish university, but I don't miss being at that organisation. I feel healthier here in Denmark and at the universities in Denmark and Sweden. Something I've felt sad about is that the Finnish university has found no formal way for me to continue to supervise my masters students. Their projects are wonderful and those students are incredibly talented. I will continue working with them as an informal advisor. 

It's so interesting that in such situations so many downsides or even ugly sides of the education system come to light. 

210

 Deep transformations: A theory of degrowth

Next year, my co-authored book is coming out. The publisher (Manchester University Press) mentioned that it would come out in May 2024, but likely it will be sooner than that. We started writing this book in August-September 2021 and finished it in February 2023. I wanted to say something about it because the publisher didn't mention it very explicitly on their website that the book will be open access, only in small print. To me it's important that fellow humans do not spend money on the book when they can get an online version of it free of charge. 

Hubert invited me to join the book project in August 2021 when I just moved to Sweden. Since then it has been a long journey. Each one of us worked on all of the chapters, but the idea was to distribute the writing of 9 chapters equally amongst ourselves. Since I am more interested in humans and businesses, I wanted to write about civil society and business. 

Now I am working on my own book that will be very raw and reflective, I notice how much is concealed from the reader. These days, when I read a book, I wonder what was unfolding in the author's life, what mood and state of mind they were in when they were working on the book. I wonder where they were geographically. While I started working on the book in Sweden, I wrote some things in Finland and I will see the book published when I am in Denmark. Working on the book coincided with the unfolding of my connection with Hubert. While writing the book itself was pleasant, there were so many other unfoldings in life. 2023 has been perhaps the most challenging year for me.

The title of the book goes back to the first paper Hubert and I co-authored. The paper was about a science of deep transformations. The word "depth" is meaningful to me for many reasons. It refers to critical realist depth ontology and accounting in our contemplations of change for everything, from our psyche to material transactions with nature. It refers to more nuanced and also holistic contemplations. It refers to deep ecology too. I've written about business of deep transformations and being of deep transformations (which is also the name of this autoethnography and my autoethnographic paper). Currently I am working on a very short paper with Hubert and Max about economics for deep transformations. The word "depth" also features in the book I am working on. 

The cover of the book is a picture I took when I just moved to Finland. It was winter time and I was standing by the window in my aparthotel in Espoo. The window had wonderful ice patterns on it. The direction is the East and the sun was still very low in winter. It was early morning. Through the window you can see the outline of a hotel in front of the aparthotel, and in the distance there is the island where I would live later on. I was in awe of the sunrise and the magical patterns on the window. I called the picture "Awe". Somehow looking at the sunrise through these magical patterns evoked a sense of hope and oneness with the universe. At that time I didn't know how things in Finland would unfold. I was very ill in that country, I felt separated from the places I loved, far from the humans I wanted to be close to, and deeply unhappy with the organisational culture of my workplace. But I felt connected with the cosmos and experienced nature's presence. I lived by and with the sea. 

I am happy with the book and I learned many things on the way. I came to a realisation that I wanted to write my own book. When you co-author, it is always a compromise. Compromise is not bad in itself, and the idea for us, the authors, was indeed to come together and bring our knowledge together for a more nuanced understanding of sustainability transformations. Hubert is a critical political economist. Max is a sociologist. I study business. Hubert and Max come from a Marxian perspective, while I come from an anarchist perspective. But there are so many things that I wanted to say that could not be part of this particular book. The book is an academic work, while I feel inclined to write in a way that is personal, raw, place-based and even emotional. I do not want to adjust my vocabulary, and instead I feel the need to use exactly the words I have in mind, such as spirituality, the cosmos, the soul. 

We had a good dynamic within our co-authorship team. Unfortunately we couldn't see each other often. But Hubert and I were friends and then lovers. With Max we were colleagues and then I discovered parts of his personality that I value deeply. He is a very kind human being. Via Max I met Eileen, an artist whose work I love. 

209

 Last day

It is my last day at the Finnish university. My resignation is an act of activism, of non-compliance with violence in academia. I hope that the organisational culture will change eventually, but I believe that it will take a collective action. Some principles of organising that I found detrimental are: an impossibility to change one's line manager, harassment contact persons refusing to get involved, powerful hierarchies, decisions made behind closed doors, silencing, seeing violent language as appropriate and highly questionable behaviour as acceptable. I received many supportive messages from my former colleagues, and this gives me hope that change may manifest itself. In Finland, one doesn't need to give a reason for their resignation. In fact, "voluntary resignation" is the only option that was appropriate in the system. I feel that it conceals the story behind the unfolding of events. Sometimes humans feel obliged or forced to resign for political and moral reasons. My reason is that I will not work in a violent space where my research interests are not facilitated (I was not part of any project and thus should have had the freedom to do my own research) and where I feel exploited and disempowered. It goes without saying that no one should work in a violent space. But oftentimes humans do due to various circumstances such as a residence permit or financial obligations. Like most of my fellow humans, I have financial obligations too, but my mental health is more important to me than money. UBI is a policy I support, as it would give humans in similar positions power to resign and a real possibility to preserve their mental health. I will lose my Finnish residence permit (I am a British citizen), but now I have a Danish one. Getting a Danish residence permit required much planning and help and was expensive. 

I was very fortunate to receive invitations from universities in my area to visit them. This means I would still have access to university IT systems, library and exchange with my fellow humans in academia. With UBI, this would perhaps be an ideal setting, to research and teach freely in the spaces that are safe and nurturing. Within the context of formal employment, much depends on one's manager and organisational policies. For example, in Sweden, my manager was a kind, caring and empathetic human being. 

From my experience at the Finnish university I learned many things about the system and myself. For a while, for some reason I was hesitating to apply my own research to the organisations I was working for. Perhaps this is because they are very different. I work for large, public organisations, while the businesses I research are small and privately owned. But essentially the same insights apply. I believe that humans want to feel autonomy, fairness. They want to be in a safe space, not be subjected to harassment and exploitation. Many small business owners value their independence and the possibility to pursue their passion. I learned that I will never work in an unsafe environment. Though this decision came at a large financial and psychological cost, I believe this is the right decision. Whenever I talk to my fellow humans in academia in the departments I would consider working for or hope to work with, my main question to them is what it feels like to work there.  

208

 Change in life and stability created by ecological living

This year has been very turbulent. My partner and I moved in together just over a month ago. During that time, we realised that the relationship we had was not working for us. He shared childcare responsibilities equally with his ex partner. He had this commitment on Mondays, Wednesdays, every other Friday and Saturdays. At times, we could spend workdays together but that time was dedicated to work rather than us. It was a difficult situation to handle. I felt I was in a part-time relationship and my life was not in my control. We had no plans for the future. While he had achieved all his relationship goals before we met, I felt like I still needed stability and commitment in my life. Before we moved in together, both of us thought, I believe, that this relationship would work, that love would be enough to overcome the challenges of everyday life. But it was not this way. We decided to change the nature of our relationship. 

Transitioning from being partners to being something else is psychologically challenging. For me, it's yet another change in addition to my recent move from Finland to Denmark. I don't know how we are going to navigate this space, where I am going to live, how we will be working as colleagues. There are many questions. 

My mind was searching for stability amongst this chaos. And I began to contemplate my everyday ecological practices again. While I moved countries, changed my workplace, got together with a fellow human and changed the nature of my relationship with them, my practices remained more or less the same. These days, my mind was oftentimes returning to the "sufficiency list" (I wrote about it in this paper). I revisited the list again, and it has remained almost the same since around 2016. 

Living simply, with few possessions helps me in many ways. Not only does it provide a sense of stability and having everything I need to live a comfortable life. It also reduces eco-anxiety as I feel that I am doing at least something, no matter how small the action is. Living simply has been good for my mental health. These days, connecting to something larger than me (nature) is particularly important. Since my childhood, I have felt a very strong connection with nature. It provided a sense of comfort, safety and security. Living in a way that is caring towards nature, e.g., via living with less, using natural materials, avoiding flying, only felt natural and organic to me. It never felt like a compromise or a sacrifice. I research small businesses and at times I was wondering how I would be running my own business if I had one. Just like the businesspersons I talk with, I would not want to work in a large company (though this is still what I do as an academic). I would run a business that would focus on small-scale production using local ingredients. The practices that I capture in my research make as much sense to me as to the businesspersons I learn from: there is something about having a caring attitude towards nature that manifests organically in ecological practices, in business and in everyday life of consumers. I've noticed in my own life that this attitude to nature is very stable. In my case, as in the case of many fellow humans I spoke to, it was formed in the early years of my life. 

207

 Byttestation

In the picture above is a swap shop (byttestation in Danish) in my local area in Copenhagen. Swap shops are places where one can bring what they are not using/no longer need and leave it for fellow humans to take home, free of charge. One can also take items from these swap shops. Here you can read a bit more about the principles behind this kind of exchange. 

My partner and I brought a puzzle there. We enjoyed solving it but we also thought that someone else will enjoy it too. We hope that they will pass it on just as we did. I love the idea behind swap shops. 

We didn't take anything from the swap shop as we didn't need anything. 

206

 "Some inner non-intellectual sensing"

This phrase, "inner non-intellectual sensing" is from a book by Carl Rogers, On Becoming a Person. Rogers was a humanistic psychologist, the direction in psychology that resonates strongly with me. 

I'm a social scientist, and oftentimes it felt uncomfortable to talk about intuition or what "feels right" (or "feels wrong"). In the realm of philosophy, e.g., in Bhaskar's philosophy of metareality, it is possible to find comfort and come to terms with intuition rather than seeing it as something unscientific or irrational. 

Listening to my intuition and my body has always been an important part of my being in the world. I have made many, if not all, of my decisions in my life based on various ideas feeling right to me. Some of those decisions were major, like moving countries. So this quote from Carl Rogers resonates with me: "I have learned that my total organismic sensing of a situation is more trustworthy than my intellect." 

205

 Quality time 

Usually, when my fellow humans talk about quality time, they refer to the time spent with someone else. Sometimes I enjoy being with others, but I also enjoy being on my own and with nature. There is not much nature here in Copenhagen. I live close to green areas but parks and cemeteries feel very different to the sea and forests. 

Walking feels like a transformative practice. I was on my own, but also with the city. In Copenhagen people seem to smile a lot, much more than in any other city where I've lived. 

I didn't have any sophisticated plan for my walk or any particular destination in mind. I wanted to pick up some chamomile tea but that was it. This walk was a gift of quality time to myself. 

I walked past a beautiful flower shop. I usually don't buy flowers and ask my fellow humans not to give them to me. I don't know how they are grown, what the labour conditions are, what chemicals are used in the process of growing these flowers. Oftentimes flowers are transported from far-away regions with much worse regulations than here in the Nordics. At times though I bring home flowers that grow naturally. 

204

 Cleaning

In this autoethnography, I've written about and revealed some aspects of my life that are extremely personal. I've written about not having children, harassment at work, issues in my relationship, mental health, trying to navigate sustainable living within existing socio-economic structures, my childhood, moving countries multiple times, resigning from my job as an act of activism. It feels vulnerable to write about this. But I also believe in transparency of research. To make my autoethnographic research as transparent as possible, I've made all my data public via this page. In the first autoethnographic paper, I simply linked this page to the paper. While some fellow humans refer to this data as a blog, perhaps because it's housed by a blogging platform, it is not intended as a blog. It's just autoethnography with all its messiness, nuance and struggles. 

While it definitely is uncomfortable at times to write about very personal aspects of living, something that I find as uncomfortable to say is that I find as much joy in looking after my home as in writing, reading, doing my research. Somehow to say this feels even more vulnerable. In my industry, academia, it is more common to discuss research, to find joy in teaching, publishing, receiving research grants. Talking about the extremely simple joys of everyday life, especially about activities that supposedly waste our precious time, is uncommon. And yet, somehow I do not feel that I am wasting my time when I'm cleaning my home. It's a therapeutic and mindful activity of honouring my space and the objects I live with. To me, cleaning my home is a degrowth practice. 

Some would perhaps be tempted to find the roots of this in my early life. My parents, like many other humans in my social circle, found looking after objects a waste of time, a chore, something to do efficiently with the help of technology. They found joy in their careers and social activities such as going to theatres and museums, in spending time with their friends. Perhaps they would be unhappy to learn that I "waste" my time on cleaning. 

Practising minimalism makes looking after my home an even more pleasant activity. If I lived with more objects, taking care of my space would probably feel overwhelming. 

Emphasising aesthetics is likewise helpful. I've written about it several times already in my autoethnography, but to me it feels that aesthetics is an important part of sustainable living. I do not have in mind any particular aesthetic, as tastes differ. But it is easier and more pleasant to live with only very few objects, and keep them for a long time, if one finds them beautiful. I don't think that it's shallow. Personally I find joy and beauty in simple forms, natural materials, neutral colours. Some of those things were rather expensive (e.g., the furniture we bought for this space), but others were free. Some of the most beautiful objects I live with, in my view, are glass jars that came with food. I cleaned them, removed the labels, and started using them for various purposes. 

203

 On having kids

This will be a very personal entry and a difficult topic. 

I'm 34 and I don't have kids. Having children is not something I've ever wanted the most in my life. My life is meaningful and fulfilling without me having my own children. But at times, I thought that I wanted to have children if I was in a safe and stable relationship where both my partner and I would be committed to being parents. I've never met such a person in my life. More recently, i.e., in my 20s and 30s, I've been in two serious relationships. One person didn't want to have children at all. My current partner doesn't want to have children with me, he already has one from his previous relationship. 

Recently I had a conversation with my current partner about a small chance of me getting pregnant. What he said sounded as if it would be the worst day in his life. Many thoughts were running through my mind. I felt rejected, unsupported and unsafe. I felt that this person accepts all the joyful parts of our relationship but not the challenging ones. He is happy to be with me on the days when he doesn't have childcare responsibilities, to cook together, walk, write. There is something very uncomfortable about knowing that a man would want to be seen with you, sleep with you, live with you, but would tell you to do an abortion if you became pregnant or would ask you to leave. He would claim to love your body as an object but reject its reproductive functions. Here I must emphasise that I refer to a small chance of becoming pregnant while using contraception. 

I felt that the whole responsibility of a situation like this would fall on my shoulders. I felt a deep sense of unfairness. He wants me to accept his child from his previous relationship, celebrate his parenthood, buy a home together with a bedroom for his child, listen about them for hours, play a positive role in their life. But he would not accept my child (that would also be his), would not take responsibility for them. 

A conversation similar to the recent one unfolded between me and him some months ago before we officially became a couple. He said that if I became pregnant, he would not be there for that child. That time of my life was one of the most challenging ones, and I never took my time to think about it. 

I don't know what prepares humans to deal with such situations in life. At times, I think that I must be able to navigate these situations easily, to arrive at good decisions quickly. But instead, I feel lost. I don't know if I should leave this relationship because I feel rejected, unsupported and unsafe. I want to be with someone who would be happy if I became pregnant, not someone for whom it would be the worst unfolding in the universe, or someone who would ask me to get an abortion. 

Recently I began to feel at home here in Denmark and in our current place. It was a beautiful feeling that I hadn't experienced before to the same degree. Hearing my partner's words about a possible pregnancy erased that feeling immediately. I felt reduced to a form of entertainment, a toy, a no strings attached girlfriend, a decoration, good enough for good times but something undesirable if pregnant. I felt a deep need to exit. 

Then there is anxiety about bringing children into the world experiencing ecological degradation. Being in the field of sustainability, I am exposed to this kind of knowledge every day. Naturally, I think about it a lot. 

There is also anxiety about the state of society, the state of our education system, how success is evaluated. I am in academia and I see how often academia de-educates humans rather than contributes to their growth. 

I would be worried about my child if they were, like me, introverted. I personally find this personality trait useful and beautiful, but in my experience social systems don't accommodate introversion as well as they accommodate extroversion. I think a lot about my own childhood experiences and how many needs of mine were not satisfied. To be clear, I grew up in a family that always had a comfortable life. Yet, my needs for solitude, having less, and simplicity were not satisfied at all. Those were the things I could only acquire as I could choose how to live my own life. 

There is a deep sense of instability and insecurity. Recently I resigned from my job due to harassment. I did it as an act of activism, of non-compliance with violence in academia. I rely on my savings to live. My residence and work permit in Denmark is temporary. If I had a child, I wonder where I would live, what language I would speak to them. I wonder how I would be able to bring them up in an alternative way, as a free thinker and an ethical human being. 

Living in different countries has contributed immensely to my personal growth. But it also came with rootlessness. My mother died in a car crash when I was 17. I have never met my father. I was brought up by my mother and stepdad. My stepdad and grandmother live in a different country. When I talk to my stepdad, I struggle to find the words as I can't speak his language well enough. I haven't used it as my primary language for half of my life. If I had a child, I wouldn't be able to get support from my family. Perhaps the world which I love and feel comfortable in would begin to feel scary and hostile. And losing the sense of comfort and safety in the universe is something I am afraid of. 

202

 Activities

Finding joy in simple, everyday activities is important to me from many different perspectives. It's better in terms of being in the world more ecologically. I don't need to fly to far-away destinations to feel that my life is meaningful and beautiful. Now I intentionally left my job in a Finnish university due to harassment, I have to use my savings. Leaving that workplace as an act of non-compliance with violence is a decision I will never regret but it has financial implications. I practise minimalism, and this is what allowed me to have some savings in the first place and also be more attentive to my local area. Living a joyful life is something I want to do every day rather than rely on occasions like holidays and events for meaning. I find joy in reading and writing, cooking and looking after my home, walking and having coffee with my partner, talking to my fellow humans about research and  life in general. I believe that finding joy in everyday life and in simplicity is everyday activism. 

201

 Changes in everyday sustainability practices

Now as I'm healing and feeling liberated, I can again think more about my everyday sustainability practices. I've been contemplating how living with my partner changed some aspects of my mode of being. This change doesn't mean my mode of being is worse or less sustainable. It's just different in some ways. In some ways it is perhaps less sustainable, but in others more so.

I no longer live furniture-free. I lived without furniture for more than half a year, and prior to that I'd owned no furniture. It's not something I ever wanted to own and I wanted to move more. My fellow humans often ask me if I had a bed while I lived furniture-free. I didn't have a bed, I slept on a yoga mat. I wanted to experiment, to take less from the Earth (i.e., furniture requires resources to come into being), to feel free to move both indoors and out of the country. When I moved in with my partner, I realised this would not work. We live in a very small studio apartment. Keeping everything on the floor felt disorganised. Our very few possessions seemed to take up much of the floor space. The space didn't feel cosy. In Denmark it's not as warm indoors as it was in Sweden and Finland, so it was cold to sleep on the floor. We agreed to have a bench, a clothes rack, a table, the chairs my partner brought from his previous apartment, and a bed frame. We are not planning to get more furniture or ever replace the pieces of furniture we now live with. 

We maintain many of my sustainability practices. My partner adopted many of them too, and some of our practices were the same even before we moved in together. We recycle. Recycling may seem an obvious practice but whenever I take my waste to the recycling area, I always notice that so often my fellow humans don't sort their waste. It is so common to see cardboard and plastic in mixed waste bins. Waste recycling here in my municipality in Denmark looks very similar to that in Sweden and Finland. There are some minor differences but I don't feel that I had to spend much time on learning to sort waste here. My partner is Danish and I asked him a few questions about recycling to make sure I do it correctly, though of course I could get the same information online or on the waste bins. To prevent creating waste in the first place, we try to choose zero-waste options whenever possible, but it's not always possible.

I've noticed that time in the biggest constraint to zero-waste practices even when zero-waste options are generally available. To shop purely zero-waste is time-consuming. I would need to go to numerous supermarkets and other stores to get everything without packaging. It is not impossible but it would take a great amount of time. We shop in a local supermarket that has many organic options. Generally I've noticed that in Denmark organic options are easy to find. It feels there are many more of them than in Sweden and Finland where I used to live. 

We don't have a car and use only public transport. My partner has a bicycle and I don't. I might get one later but so far I prefer walking. Trains here in Denmark are very expensive. Generally we stay within our local area. Our area has many green spaces nearby and it feels good to live here. I often wonder how I would feel about living in my local area if I lived elsewhere, not in my current place. 

We acquired a vacuum cleaner, which is something I lived without. I used to clean the floor by hand, but our current apartment is somewhat bigger than the studio flat I used to live in, and it would take much of my time to clean the floor by hand. I used to handwash all my clothes and textiles. Now we have shared washing machines in our apartment block. I like this a lot. In Finland I briefly lived in a place with a similar system but one didn't have to pay to use the shared washing machines. My neighbours used to wash their clothes and textiles very often and at times only one or a few items. Here in Denmark we pay when we use the shared washing machines, and our neighbours seems to use them more rarely and efficiently. 

I've noticed that both my partner and I seek happiness and joy in simple everyday practices. We don't travel far away, don't go shopping for entertainment. We enjoy walking and cooking. At times he plays guitar. We read and write. 

Both of us try to shop in small and independent stores, though this is not always possible. 

We use very simple skincare and zero-waste personal care items.

We share a lot. Naturally we share everything in the household, but also we don't separate our budget. I wear my partner's clothes often. We don't feel the need to buy separate items (e.g., shampoo, reusable cotton bags and soap)  for us. Sharing is an important sustainability practice. 

Having a very similar taste helps us. Both of us like neutral colours and natural materials. We don't mind imperfections. In fact we celebrate them rather than replace an item as soon as there is an imperfection such as a small stain or a rip. We don't decorate our home with store-bought items designed for this purpose. Fruits, herbs and vegetables that we use every day serve as temporary decoration. They are incredibly beautiful. We also have some stones we picked up in the Nordics. 

I believe that having similar values helps us practice sustainability together well. Both of us are researchers looking into sustainability transformations. We try to translate this into our everyday life too. 

Some of the aspects of our lives we don't share. For example, my partner has a child from his previous relationship with whom he often spends time. I don't know much about that aspect of his life and the practices in that area. 

200

New chapter

I've posted the keys back to the university I resigned from. It felt so liberating. My colleague at the office has returned my work laptop to the university, and my friends will collect all the remaining items from my office. It's wonderful to receive their help and support. 

Now a new chapter of my life is starting, I feel like I'm healing from my experiences at the university and I begin to think more about my everyday sustainability practices. Today I took a train from Valby station in Copenhagen to Trekroner station that serves Roskilde university. The journey is 15 minutes or so. The ticket, one way, costs DKK 54. It is about EUR 7.24. There are ways to get tickets cheaper. But train travel in Denmark is very expensive. I was thinking about the students who would take these trains from Copenhagen often. Train travel should be subsidised. 

199

 Denmark

Denmark is my fifth country of residence and the third Nordic country I've lived in. I submitted my resignation from my university in Finland on the 9th of October. At that time I was expecting to get my Danish residence and work permit but I didn't have it yet. Today I got the news that my permit has been granted. It started on the day when I resigned from the Finnish university, which feels magical. If Denmark didn't give me the permit, I, as a British citizen, would be able to stay there for only 3 months. 

There is much bureaucracy to deal with. Moving to Denmark means I have to register with the authorities there and also de-register from many places in Finland. 

I'm experiencing a complex constellation of emotions. I'm feeling relieved and happy that I can stay in Denmark for over a year rather than three months. In the past month, I've felt comfortable and at home in Denmark. I'm feeling worried about the people who work under the management of the manager I had at the Finnish university. I filled out the workplace exit survey and can't help but think that none of that feedback will be used. I'm wondering how the journeys of my masters students will unfold. Their works are so creative and excellent. 

I got an email from my publisher asking me how my book writing has been unfolding. I told them about what has happened in the past few months. I'm feeling that my creativity has fully returned. It was hard to write in an unsafe environment. 

198

 Feelings 

After resigning (as an act of activism and protest against violence in academia) I received many messages of support from my colleagues. Some promised to continue fighting against violence and try to improve the organisation. 

One of my colleagues said that they heard that my contract could not be extended. My contract was valid for another year and some months. 

Another colleague asked me how I was feeling, and this is what I want to capture in this entry. There are many feelings at once. I'm feeling deep frustration and sadness that nothing was done. My partner noticed that it looked like the HR were taking orders from my manager rather than try and resolve the situation first and foremost by removing the manager from my management as her manager requested. I'm still feeling traumatised by everything I had to go through. I'm feeling liberated. My manager's manager said that my manager loves power. I realised that I have agency, and that she has power over me only in a very particular setting: in an employee-employer relationship within a hierarchical organisation within a system where tenured professors cannot be fired no matter what they do. I feel solidarity with those fellow humans who are in precarious positions. I feel privileged that I receive so much support from my fellow humans who are familiar with the situation and from my partner. I'm feeling grateful for my partner's support and love. Though stepping out of the toxic space where I was comes with financial consequences, my partner and I agree that my mental health is more important than money. Overall, I'm feeling happy. 

197

 Emancipation

I'm feeling a deep sense of euphoria. After fighting harassment from a manager at work for weeks, I came to a conclusion that I needed to resign. The costs of being employed at that institution began to greatly outweigh the benefits. I explained more in my entry 194. I feel that I have so much to say about resigning. It is a political act that I've contemplated a lot in the past weeks. I've thought about resigning as quitting, as a privilege, a taboo and many other things. In the past weeks I came to see it as a deeply political act, an act of activism, of resistance to, and non-compliance with, violence. I had a meeting with a manager earlier today. It seems that he tried to address the situation but he didn't succeed. I provided him a feedback and shared my contemplations on what has been going wrong in the organisation. He said he was surprised that I decided to resign. This is interesting. I do not think that anyone should be surprised that a human being subjected to violence would seriously consider resigning. Many things can prevent a person from resigning, and I've observed such situations around me. I've seen that my fellow humans did not leave due to migration laws and financial obligations, risk aversion, fear, and social stigma. These fellow humans should not be blamed, but the system must be improved significantly to ensure safety and safe stepping out of a violent space. 

Resigning is associated with taking risk, insecurity, instability, not knowing what is going to unfold. Over the years I've come to terms with change, and came to see life's unfolding as a beautiful journey. I feel like a new chapter is opening and I'm feeling a shift towards something better. My partner and I decided to celebrate this unfolding of events with flødeboller, and in the evening we will have some sparkling wine. 

196

Being with the sea

Yesterday was a magical day. My partner and I went for a long walk to, and in, Amager to spend time with the sea. I felt a strong need to be with a large body of water. It reminds me that in comparison, things like having a job do not matter. When I came closer to the sea, I felt it very prominently that I was on the right path and that resigning is the right thing to do after many weeks of fighting violence at my workplace (it was futile). While I've been talking to my partner about resigning, somehow the strongest sign I got was from the cosmos. It was intuition. It was a deep sense of comfort with myself, my decision, and the universe. 

As I was walking, I felt the need to be in the sea and to feel oneness with it on a bodily level. It's rather cold in this time of the year but I went for a swim. It was spontaneous. I had no swim suit with me and no towel. My partner gave me his t-shirt after I came out of the sea. As I was in the water, I felt warm. 

It was a beautiful place to be. Across the water, I could see Sweden, a country I love. I lived in Sweden for a year and 4 months. 

On the beach, I collected some shells. I don't decorate my home with items one can buy in a store. I have some stones from Sweden, Finland and Denmark, but I decided to bring some shells home and arranged them in a crown around a plant I live with. I also picked up a couple of small stones I found beautiful. 

195

 Everyday zero-waste practices

These days so much in unfolding in my life that I didn't have time to reflect much on my everyday practices. After fighting violence at work for 2 months or so, I felt that the costs have become far larger than the benefits. I've been doing my sustainability practices routinely: my mind was so focused elsewhere that I forgot to celebrate successes. By success I mean lots of things, including doing something very small-scale well or better. This morning I looked around me and saw that I still use many zero-waste principles. I've tried living entirely zero-waste back in England for a while, but this lifestyle was time-consuming and many products were either expensive or performed much worse than more conventional natural products. In northern Sweden it was more difficult to practise zero-waste. For example, almost all the food, especially fruits and vegetables come from far-away and thus packaged in plastic. The city where I lived is small, so there is not a great variety of stores where one can buy zero-waste products. I find it much easier to find zero-waste items here in Copenhagen.

In Copenhagen I could get a solid shampoo and a bar of soap made here in Denmark. The solid toothpaste comes in biodegradable packaging. The lip balm is the one I've been using for a very long time now. It's packaged in paper and is made by a small Swedish company.

I still use cotton tote bags for grocery shopping (and generally) every day instead of handbags. I've been using reusable water bottles for many years. I believe that these practices are very common. Apart from that, I keep some glass jars and bottles. My partner repurposed a wine bottle to store cold water, and I like to keep our cutlery in a glass jar that was home to some pasta sauce. 

Apart from avoiding plastic waste, there is also an aesthetic element. I still feel that talking about aesthetics is not widespread in sustainability circles, at least not in my field of degrowth/post-growth. Personally, I find simple items such as soap bars and glass jars incredibly beautiful. There is something timeless and calming about them. 

194

 Resigning as an act of resistance

My official research stay in Denmark is coming to an end. Despite my research interest in Denmark and my book contract about Danish, Swedish and Finnish businesses, the Finnish university I work for only allowed me to come to Denmark for 3.5 weeks after multiple meetings and providing the university with much evidence of my research interest. My manager called the HR and claimed that I wanted to relocate to Denmark to live here with my partner. She made sexist comments and delegated tasks doing which would mean I have to work unpaid overtime. At one of the meetings, I brought up those sexist (and racist) comments. Of course, she did not apologise. Instead, she claimed that she was trying to be helpful because I am "Russian and new to the Nordics". I still do not understand what me being born in Russia and having a Russian surname (my stepfather's surname) has to do with this situation at all. Me being "Russian" is also not true, though I see Russia as part of my identity in some ways. I was born in St. Petersburg and for many years lived in a magical remote location due to my stepfather's job. I believe that living close to nature in a remote location made me fall in love with nature and feel safe in nature and with non-humans. I am Jewish, a British citizen, and had lived in Sweden for around 1.5 years before moving to Finland. Before moving to Sweden, I lived in England my whole adult life. My partner, my close colleagues and friends are in the Nordics. 

I was diagnosed with severe anxiety and depression because of the manager's behaviour and this situation. The HR manager told me I should research Finnish businesses, despite my postdoc being funded by the department and not by any project. Moreover, it is not the HR manager's decision what businesses I should research. It is mine. To encourage humans to research businesses in one's own country in nationalistic. It should be their own interest, not someone else's. I would never even tell my students to research businesses in the countries where I personally feel at home (e.g., in Denmark and Sweden). Every context is interesting, but it should be a personal decision what to research. Moreover, to a large extent I understand Swedish and Danish. I notice that my data on Swedish and Danish businesses is better, deeper, and more nuanced. 

During a recent workshop in Sweden, I learned from my colleagues who are based in Finland that while generally in Finland they discourage working from abroad, it all depends on support one gets from an organisation and supervisors. In the manager's place, I would have encouraged my employee to be based abroad as much as possible, and do research there. Especially if they have a loved one in the country, or feel a strong interest in a particular context or culture. There is even a special type of contract that allows an employee to work abroad. Many colleagues at my university in Finland went on prolonged research stays and visits. My university appear to have become so invested in my personal relationship with my Danish partner (who is also my co-author), that they were afraid that if I go to Denmark (or even Sweden!) I would care more about love than work. Of course work only benefits from love, as the person experiences the sense of wellbeing. It is unreasonable and old-fashioned to think otherwise. In Denmark I've felt happy, creative and productive. In the Finnish university where I am, I felt oppressed, exploited and unhappy. 

In my fight against violence in that institution, I did everything I could. I spoke to the manager's manager, to even higher manager, the HR manager, the harassment contact person, and medical professionals. The higher manager delegated resolving this situation to my manager's manager. In Finland the system feels to me much more hierarchical than in Sweden and Denmark. The medical professionals were the only helpful ones, but their influence is very limited. The psychologist called the HR manager to express her concern about how they treat me at the department, to which the HR manager responded with the narrative they created, that I want to "live" in Denmark, not be there on a research stay. The "life" part should be none of their concern as it is my personal life. I told the HR that I wanted to discuss my psychologist's recommendations, to which they responded that what I discuss with a psychologist is private and they are not interested in it. 

The manager's manager suggested to my manager that she should be removed from my supervision. She contacted the HR who took her side, claiming that they discourage change of managers. This was a red flag for me. As a researcher of organisations myself, I notice that this is a mechanism of sustaining power of those who are already in positions of power. It is worrying when there is no mechanism to remove managers, especially when they are violent and seem to unite against a person in a precarious position and use various "policies" to their own advantage, while disregarding their responsibilities as an employer. 

It seems that the manager's manager had multiple conversations with her about this issue, and she insisted on staying in a position of power in relation to me. This is interesting from a psychological perspective. If I felt that I could not work with a person effectively, or that my management style makes them unhappy, I would seek a new and better manager for them myself. I would for sure not try to retain power over them. 

Another red flag is the harassment contact person staying out of this situation. Initially she expressed her concern about the inappropriate comments from the manager. Later on, she decided to avoid getting involved. I find it interesting. Apparently, the manager contacted the harassment contact person too and claimed (as far as I understand) that I'm not doing the tasks she "delegated". The tasks are arbitrary, require me to work unpaid overtime, and are not in my contract. I find this to be an incredibly bad way to manage an organisation. This allows harassers to simply come up with a statement (which can also be a lie), and that somehow cancels the original claim of the victim. For instance, if someone experiences sexual harassment or discrimination, they would contact a harassment contact person. The harasser can then simply say that the victim, e.g., didn't respond to an email (that was one of the claims of my manager, for instance). And nothing gets done. 

I decided to have a meeting with the manager's manager. Generally he has been supportive, but still nothing was done. He mentioned that my manager and him agreed that she would keep our communication to a minimum in exchange for her keeping the status of my manager. I've noticed that even minimal communications from her are retraumatising, and even her minimal communications come with unreasonable demands and requests. That department also has a system whereby (as I understand after being there for 9 or so months), a new head of unit (someone in a permanent position) is appointed every 3 years. My manager will thus in a few years be the manager of the man who is now her manager. Since both of them are in permanent positions and are not going anywhere, most likely they would not get into any disputes, especially not for someone who is in a precarious position, whose contract is short-term. 

Just as the end of my official stay in Denmark was coming to an end, the HR set up an in-person meeting. They sent a request without an agenda, but with a title that suggests that we would discuss a "workplan", whatever it may be. They clearly care about what they can get out of me and their "rights" but not their responsibilities. By law, they have to provide me with a safe work environment, which they haven't done. The fact that the agenda was not included is peculiar. I've noticed, while this situation was unfolding, that much is done via phone calls (rather than emails) and without outlining an agenda. There are no follow-ups (e.g., explaining what has been done), no apologies. The HR also kept telling me to not talk to anyone about this situation, which is silencing. 

My partner and I discussed this situation extensively, and I have been thinking about it while being geographically removed from that toxic space. The wage is the only benefit that this job provided. However, there are many nuances. For example, I experience the work environment as completely unsafe. The wage is not high considering that they expect me to work unpaid overtime. To fulfil the new demands of my manager while keeping up with my projects I would need to work 80 hours a week. In Finland, it should be no more than 40. This postdoc position is supposed to be 90% research, and the rest admin and teaching. If I keep up with my writing and also feel obliged to fulfil all the requests by the manager, it looks like exploitation. When I refuse to do additional and unpaid tasks, the manager sends an email titled "notice" which she probably believes sounds intimidating. Moreover, the manager recommended that I can see my partner on the weekends and holidays. This way, this job would end up costing us money rather than be a source of income, not to mention the ecological impact. 

The job at this institution is not a source of growth and meaning for me. It is a source of oppression and suffering. I began to realise that the benefits are far fewer than the costs. 

I received an email from a close colleague asking me not to resign. Another colleague said that my fellow humans in the office were missing me. I've received support from some of my colleagues. But it looks like there is not much that they can do in this hierarchical system. One of the colleagues in a permanent position emailed the manager's manager her concerns about this situation, and her email remained unanswered. 

The option to resign feels like a privilege. I've been thinking much about those who come from the countries where the person would rather not return. As a British citizen, I am happy with my citizenship. It doesn't feel unsafe. It gives me plenty of rights such as the right to stay in the EU for 3 months as a tourist or a guest researcher. After Brexit, I lost the right to live and work in the EU, but at the very least returning to Britain for some time would not be a bad option. 

I don't feel that I need a wage immediately. It is also a privilege. Practising extreme minimalism was helpful. Also I don't have any dependents such as children. 

My partner is supportive and is encouraging me to resign. 

My ex partner who is my best friend is also supportive. He is a trade union representative at a university in England and encouraged me to let the university fire me. I was thinking about this option for a while, but resigning is reclaiming my agency and freeing myself actively from an oppressive and hierarchical employment relationship, rather than waiting. With resignation, the manager is no longer my employer, but just an individual whom I hope to never meet again. 

My close colleague from another university also encouraged me to let the university fire me. Apart from reclaiming my freedom as soon as possible, yet another benefit of resigning is that I can be the first to contact the Finnish authorities about relocating. The university I work for don't seem to be good at migration law. I have been thinking much about their behaviour that comes across as organisational sadism. I was wondering why they feel so empowered to treat me this way. At one point my partner suggested that they want me gone since they realise that I have zero tolerance for harassment, violence and exploitation. Many others would unfortunately tolerate harassment, violence and exploitation, e.g., due to their hopes to stay in Finland or due to financial obligations (children, mortgages). At the same time, my manager delegated multiple tasks to me and asked me to supervise many more students. She even seemed to have plans for me in the spring. This would indicate that she expects me to stay and believes she can treat me with zero respect and zero regard for my actual working hours and wellbeing. They seem to think that for me to be in Denmark or Sweden, I need that job in Finland. This is, however, not the case. As a British citizen I can be in Denmark or Sweden without that job for some months. There are also other ways to get a Danish (or Swedish) residence permit. 

I see resigning as an act of activism. I believe in prefigurative politics, in acting as if the world I want is already real. The world I want is one with harmonious co-existence within humanity, between humans and nature, humans and non-human beings. The world without violence, harassment, oppression, discrimination, toxic power hierarchies. The world where there is zero tolerance towards these ugly things. Staying in an oppressive organisation is a sign of compliance. I understand why many of my fellow humans stay. For such situations, there needs to be a universal basic income, and better migration laws. But whenever a human being can leave, I think they should leave. They should run. I decided to leave after fighting for 2 months. It came with a huge cost to my mental and physical health. I don't think my resignation will change this organisation. The issues are extremely deep. For violence to thrive, there must be many people validating and allowing violent behaviours. There must be structures in place that make violent and sadistic individuals feels safe and empowered. Unfortunately, after me there will be other postdocs in that institution who will likely experience the same treatment, I believe. 

193

 Imperfection and change

When capturing sustainability practices in pictures, it is easy to misrepresent what this lifestyle looks like in reality. While I was travelling to Örebro and back, on a few occasions I thought I had to take a photo of a plastic bottle with a smoothie that I bought. But then my thoughts were elsewhere. 

When my fellow humans ask me about my lifestyle, I say that it's a constellation of minimalism and extreme minimalism, zero-waste practices, voluntary simplicity, deep ecology. There are many elements of slow and simple living. I've never felt like one word can capture what I'm doing. For this reason, I refer to it as being of deep transformations. 

At times, I felt that the constellation of practices was almost constant. Some things remain almost the same. For example, my sufficiency list, a playful list of necessary (to me) items I sketched many years ago, is more or less the same. But more recently I decided to highlight imperfections, changes, nuances, constraints much more. 

On the way to Örebro, our train was delayed. Before that journey, I didn't plan much. With all the things that have been unfolding, such as deciding what to do about harassment from the manager, I had no energy to plan. In fact, I got my tickets the day before I was supposed to depart. My colleague and I picked up some food on our way there. We got some water, coffee and a snack free of charge from Swedish railways too. On the way back, we didn't have much time to eat out, so we went to a supermarket. I got smoothies, one of which was in a plastic bottle. In Sweden, I also got some painkillers. Hormonal contraception pills that I'm taking not only come in plastic, but also cause much pain, so I get more pills (painkillers) in plastic. I forgot to bring my painkillers from Denmark, so I went to a pharmacy in Sweden to buy more. All of this generates waste. 

The only food items in the supermarket that were unpackaged and that I could eat easily in a train are baked goods, but this is not something I want to consume often. 

Another item, apart from multiple plastic packages, that came into my life recently is a bracelet made from aventurine crystals. I never liked jewellery and always avoided wearing it. My ears were pierced when I was around three, without my consent. Many metals irritate my skin, and most jewellery items generally feel uncomfortable. So originally I stopped wearing jewellery not for sustainability reasons but rather due to my skin condition and sensitivity. Then somewhere on my minimalist path I began to think about the ecological and social impact of jewellery and societal expectations. But recently my partner gave me a bracelet as a gift. It's made from stones, so it doesn't irritate my skin. He gave the bracelet to me just before my journey to Sweden, and having this item with me reminded me of him. I also find this bracelet beautiful. I've been wearing it constantly since I got it. 

192

 Living with furniture

While I was away in Sweden, one of our final pieces of furniture, the table, arrived. After living furniture-free, I moved in with my partner. We agreed to have some pieces of furniture: a clothes rack, a bench, a bed frame, a table and some chairs from his previous apartment. 

Organising this small space without furniture was difficult, and to me it seems that the clothes rack especially made a big difference. No longer did we have all our clothes on the floor. Even though we don't have many items and practise minimalism, it feels that the furniture made the space better organised, and our space also looks cosy now. I also feel that I can invite my fellow humans to visit us, and they will not feel uncomfortable. When I lived furniture-free, I'm not sure any of my guests enjoyed sitting on the floor. It might not be pleasant for those who are not used to it, or those who suffer from pain. 

I don't think we will have to invite new furniture into our space ever again, and it feels liberating. Every item we bought with an intention to keep it forever and with a hope to pass our furniture to fellow humans in the end of our lives. To me furniture feels like something humans can get once and never replace. This is certainly not how my family of origin approached the subject. To them, furniture was replaceable. I find this change in attitudes interesting. Older generations are often seen as more frugal, more caring towards the items they live with. At least in my family it's the opposite. 

191

 Going home

I'm going home after a 2-day workshop in Sweden. The idea of a "home" has finally crystallised for me in the past few weeks. Perhaps it's also temporary but right now I'm experiencing being rooted. In my childhood, my family and I moved a lot because of my stepdad's job. I didn't learn to associate any particular place with home. Then I moved by myself and settled in England for more than 10 years. It didn't feel like home to me. Then I moved to Sweden, then to Finland and finally to Denmark. In Denmark my partner and I rented a place that is now our home. I suppose partly Denmark feels like home because of my partner. Partly because Danish is a Germanic language. I understand much of it because it's close to Swedish. I never learned Swedish but somehow this language learned itself, at least to some degree, into my mind. I noticed that in many places in Sweden I spoke Swedish without actively and consciously choosing which language to speak. Denmark feels like home in contrast with Finland because I felt unsafe at work. In Denmark I feel safe, creative and productive. 

I don't have a residence permit for Denmark. I can stay there as a British citizen for three months, but I hope to get a residence permit that allows me to stay there longer. 

During the workshop, I noticed that living in so many countries and not speaking any one language perfectly is confusing. It feels that humans expect identities that are not so layered or look like a constellation of identities. At times, I think that living in difference places was good for me. Somehow it reinforced my humanist views. In most places, people have generally been good. Kind, helpful, friendly, generous. At other times, I feel that I chose a somewhat complicated path in my life. While I didn't choose my stepdad's job, afterwards it was my choice to move much. 

I often found that answering "where are you from?" has been difficult for me. Now it's even more difficult. I find it hard to explain that my ethnicity, country of birth, nationality, where my current job is, where I lived in the past 2 years, and where I live now are all different. 

In the picture above I tried to capture a train moving cut down trees. This is something I don't miss about Sweden. While living in the North of Sweden, seeing cut down trees being transported always felt horrible. I see trees as my fellow beings. It might be hypocritical though, since I now live with some wooden furniture. Perhaps the trees in the picture above will be used for paper production. 

190

 Being in Sweden again

I came to Sweden for a couple of days for a workshop. On the way here, the train was delayed and I felt so grateful that I was travelling from Copenhagen with a colleague. It felt like an adventure. 

My colleague and I got a soft drink (läsk in Swedish) in a plastic bottle from a large corporation on our way to Örebro. I wish I took a good picture of that to capture in my autoethnography that sustainability practices are imperfect. At times I deviate from them. 

Being at the workshop with many fellow humans from other universities is good. I began to focus too much on the situation at my workplace again after the manager sent a violent email to me. Being in a different university makes me see once again that my current employer is not the only one.

I was reflecting a lot on impermanence and how life unfolds in its own way despite planning. It's humbling. 

I began to miss Copenhagen and I'm happy I will be going back there the following day. Copenhagen already began to feel like home. 

189

Dealing with harassment at work

I'm on my way to Örebro in Sweden. In Denmark I started to feel better, more creative and more productive. The manager from whom I experience harassment (my entry 166 is about this situation) emailed me again with a "notice" and a request for what she calls "corrective action". One of them is to "respond to [her] emails promptly". She seems to have a tendency to send rude emails late in the evenings and feels entitled to an immediate response. The email she sent was violent and intimidating, and I believe it was her intention to phrase it this way. Her manager said that after several conversations with her, she will not step down from my supervision and that the HR do not encourage replacing supervisors. Unsurprisingly, she does not want to give up on the power she believes she has over me. 

I have done everything I could to fight harassment, violence and mistreatment from her. Some of my colleagues in permanent positions promised to help. I wrote an email to the manager's manager saying that HR policies should be better. Current policies validate and encourage harassment, mistreatment, intimidation, and abuse. I also requested a meeting with the manager's manager to discuss my further steps. My partner and I agree that working with the manager is unsustainable for my mental health. 

This situation provokes so many thoughts. The system defends those already in positions of power. I've been shocked by a lack of action from the university but not surprised. 

To leave the job, or to let the university fire me, is possible only thanks to my savings and my partner's support. 

I haven't yet received my residence permit for Denmark, but I hope that I will soon. At least in terms of migration this would make my life easier. 

It's an incredibly stressful situation.